By Steven Miller
When did I set out to destroy myself?
Was it when I sank to the darkness,
Or tried to ascend to the light?
I’m stuck in the middle but it isn’t a happy medium,
More like a medicated neutral.
A borderline between sad, angry, and broken.
It’s not a heartbreak though,
I’m not speaking of love either lost or found,
Nor do I speak of regret.
It’s a cloud that has hung over me forever.
A feeling that can’t be shaken even at peaks of happiness.
The feeling threatens to strangle me if I don’t stay medicated.
Even in my best moments the feeling forces itself in;
Violating me as I fight against the idea that I would be better off dead.
That’s when breathing becomes difficult.
My heart starts to pound
I grow angry.
I sink into sadness
I become numb.
I stop caring about who I might hurt.
I hope it hurts.
I hope it hurts both me and everyone around me.
If I hurt even at the best of times, why should everyone around me be allowed to avoid it?
But at the end of the day,
I just take my pills…and sleep
There are days I hope I never wake up.