By Steven Miller

 

When did I set out to destroy myself?
Was it when I sank to the darkness,
Or tried to ascend to the light?
I’m stuck in the middle but it isn’t a happy medium,
More like a medicated neutral.
A borderline between sad, angry, and broken.

It’s not a heartbreak though,
I’m not speaking of love either lost or found,
Nor do I speak of regret.

It’s a cloud that has hung over me forever.
A feeling that can’t be shaken even at peaks of happiness.
The feeling threatens to strangle me if I don’t stay medicated.

Even in my best moments the feeling forces itself in;
Violating me as I fight against the idea that I would be better off dead.
That’s when breathing becomes difficult.

My heart starts to pound

I grow angry.

I sink into sadness

I become numb.

I stop caring about who I might hurt.
I hope it hurts.
I hope it hurts both me and everyone around me.

If I hurt even at the best of times, why should everyone around me be allowed to avoid it?
But at the end of the day,
I just take my pills…and sleep

There are days I hope I never wake up.