Grandma Got Some Moves

By Claude Robert Hill, IV

‘I am embarrassed!
Don’t think none of my classmates like me anymore.
‘Because I….’
His grandma says, ‘Because what boy? Finish your thought! I got me some pigs feet to shake and bake.’
‘Grandma, all the kids said that I have two left feet! I couldn’t make my legs dance in class yesterday for the life of me.’
His grandma says, ‘Your dad had two left feet, too! When he was young like you a long time ago.’
The boy says, ‘Grandma, this is serious you know! What am I going to do about it?
Grandma says, ‘That is sweet! You want some pity just like your Daddy. I don’t give pity out. I never did. Life is too short for pity parties. I never know what to bring. That’s why I make it a rule to never go’
The boy gave his grandma a ‘Did you really say that to me grandma look?’
His grandma replied, ‘YES!’
The boy says, ‘How could you say yes, when I was thinking the question. I didn’t say a word.’ Grandma says, ‘Baby, I didn’t get to the ripe age of 78 years old, without knowing how to read people. You know! I know how to read you son.You best BELIEVE!
(The boy again repeats his first question of what he should do about having two left feet.
He says, ‘’Why did I have to be different? People making fun of me!’
Grandma snaps her fingers.
Bends down to kiss his dirty feet.
She says, ‘Why do you care about what they say about you, boy? They don’t have enough of them to focus on. Baby, God gave you a special song! That song is meant only for you. If he wanted you to be just like them. He would have given you their shoes to walk in instead.
The boy says, ‘But! But Grandma, you just don’t understand!
Grandma speaks ‘Don’t ever ‘but’ me in any words. That means you are about to lie to me. I don’t mess around with lies. They like silent demons coming to spy on my faith’s standing tent.’
The little boy then says, ‘Grandma, you don’t understand! I can’t dance at all.’
His grandma got up and approached her grandson, and kicks him something harsh in his right leg. She said, ‘You will be okay! I promise you that you don’t have two left feet no more. What I just did to you; also, cured your Daddy’s low esteem, when he was a little boy just like you!’
He screamed at his Grandma and said, ‘God Damn!
Then his Grandma said, ‘Come Again! Boy, did you just use God’s name in vain?’ The boy began to run far away from his grandma.
He knew that he could still run, with these two left feet!
It seemed like he had been running for days.
Until he came across this little red head girl; that he was kind of sweet on from dance class.
She abruptly asked him, if he wants to dance.
He kind of shies away and his nervousness mentally ties his feet.
Ashamed that he had two left feet; he whispers, ‘Carrie, you don’t want to dance with me? You already saw that I couldn’t dance yesterday in class, and that I have two left feet. That’s what all the kids say about me.’
She walks closer to him and kisses his ear.
Then she says, ‘Felix, you don’t have two left feet. You just get very nervous around me. You
kept looking at me and then got frozen feet. That’s all Felix! What you need is some confidence? Someone, to teach you how to dance. So, Felix, can I have this first dance?’
As she whispers into his ear and guides him on how to dance. He seems to be doing great.
Then Carrie says, ‘See Felix, you did a great job! What?…Felix, I think you better run right now!’ Felix says, ‘Why do I need to run? Doesn’t practice get me a kiss?’
Carrie moves away from him and says, ‘Maybe, next time lover boy, but….’
‘I got this!’ Grandma said. She commences to whooping his natural Black butt on the spot. ‘Grandma, not in front of Carrie! I really like her.’ Felix said.
‘This belt really likes to spank your butt boy. You know better than using God’s name in vain. I mean right in front of me. You got my blood pressure up! You know that I am a devout Christian!
Felix says, ‘Ouch! Grandma, why did you only whip my left butt cheek?’
Grandma says, ‘Just so you know that your Granny is always ‘RIGHT! Hehe!’
‘Grandma, you got some moves!’ Felix said.
Grandma says,‘Son, I am straight gangsta off the South side of Chicago! Holler!’
The End.